Everyone Hates Raymond

I will never do this again (at least with complete strangers).

Ray, the former roommate, lost his mind on New Year’s Eve.

I had just come back from a long weekend in New York City and Ray was exuding smoke from his ears as he opened his room door.

“Do you know what time it is?” he asked me as I collapsed on the couch.

“Yeah it is 8:45 p.m,” I replied as I looked at my watch.

“Weren’t you supposed to call me?” he asked.

“Yeah. I was. Sorry. I was busy and forgot.” I replied as I gathered my bags and got up from the couch.

I thought that was the end of the interrogation as I walked into my room. Ray had other ideas as he came into my room 45 minutes later.

“I didn’t know if you were coming back. I wasn’t sure if I had to throw your stuff out or whatever,” he continued.

“Dude. I’m sorry. I had delays with my train. I had a long weekend. I’m sorry again,” I said in an annoyed tone.

“I’ll have all my stuff packed and be gone before 8 a.m. tomorrow (New Year’s Day). I’m really tired. I need to eat something. I need a good night’s rest. So, if you excuse me. I’m going to bed,” I said with an exasperated voice as I basically tried to close my room door in his face.

(Time for some background. Ray’s name was on the lease. I was subletting from Ray. We had a written agreement that I agreed to stay through Dec. 31^st because that was when his lease with the landlord ended. Last week, I had spoken to him about actually leaving early New Year’s Day because I knew I would be in NYC the preceding Saturday and most of New Year’s Eve. He said cool. I was also going to put some of my stuff in his storage space that he rented and we were going to move that stuff on New Year’s Eve. Shit happened and I got held up. This week, I was also going to help him move the rest of his stuff into storage. He had given me $60 to help him move. I never asked for the money. I would have done it for free but he insisted on giving me the money. So, I took it.)

“The agreement said you are to be out on Dec. 31^st. It is 9:30 p.m. You have two and half hours to be out of here,” Ray said in a stern tone.

“Dude. You said I could leave in the early morning on New Year’s Day last week. If you want some money for the “extra night” I’ll give it to you. Why are you flipping out on me now? I have a headache. I’m tried. I do not have the energy to go back and forth with you on this tonight,” I said as I got to my feet and stood facing him. “Please. Let me get a good night’s sleep and I’ll be gone in the morning."

I clearly touched a nerve with my last response. He turned around and stormed out of my room.

“When I come out of my room again at Midnight. You better be gone. Leave the keys on the kitchen counter and close the door on your way out. If you are not gone, I’m calling the police,” he said this in a megaphone-like voice with his back turned to me as he was walking into his room.

He slams the door to his room. I shake myself like I’m having a bad dream. However, I’m still in the apartment and I still have this incredulous look on my face almost five minutes later. I’m frozen like a mannequin in a store window when he rips the door open and comes right up in my personal space with his bad breath.

“And another thing. You only gave me 2 out of 3 rides to the storage place and I paid you $60 for three rides. You owe me $20 and I want it right now,” he yelled.

I snapped out of my trance. I said in my mind to my alter ego…Do I really want to go to jail on New Year’s Eve night? Is this really worth 25 years to life? Will the prosecutor also charge me with a hate crime because he’s Jewish and I’m black? Can I plead insanity? I bit my lip and slowly reached into my wall. I pulled out two $10 bills. I threw the bills in his face. The bills smacked him in the eyes and fell to the floor. As he bent over to pick up the bills, I purposely bumped into him as I walked past him and almost knocked him into the wall on his ass. He turned around and gave me the Bill Cower growl face. I gave him the “I wish you would fool look.” I went outside to warm my car up. He went inside his room.

It was too late to call any friends on New Year’s Eve. Everyone I knew was either asleep, partying, working or having sex and I wasn’t going to interrupt any of those activities. I quietly packed my stuff into my car while I contemplated knocking on his door and sucker punching him as soon as I had enough room to fit my fist through the opening. Violence wasn’t the answer and he wasn’t worth the mandatory jail time black men seem to get when they enter a court of law. So, I didn’t knock on his door again and I didn’t see his grizzly countenance again. I slowly packed everything else that belonged to me in my car and milked almost every second left of my ultimatum.

I threw the apartment keys at his door. I yelled your @#$%^ keys are on the floor at 11:45 p.m. I walked down the steps for the last time and spent the night in a hotel.