Ladies...riddle me this...or guys if you want to add your opinion...I flipped the following question around
LADIES:
How much does a man being able to financially provide for you play into your selection of him as a long term partner?
OR GUYS:
How much does a woman wanting you to financially provide for her play into your selection of her as a long term partner?
I'm always game for a good discussion about dollars and sense. So, I'm having a good conversation with my female cousin about relationships and money recently and she brings up that her man is going to take care of her...blah...blah...blah. She said that when they get married she isn't going to work at all and he's going to take care of everything. I'm just scratching my chin while she just yaps away for like 30 minutes on this topic. Her words got me thinking about the aforementioned question.
I can take care of myself and I have no problem taking caring of my future wife. (Yeah...I'm still looking...lmao). If we said ""till death do us part", I'll do whatever humanly possible to make a situation work. That's just how I am. However, I do not think it makes total economical sense to simply rely on one income, in this case my income, unless I'm making Lebron James-type money. The only other exception would be if we agreed to have kids and you wanted to have some time off while the kids were young. I wouldn't expect you to work (unless you wanted to) during that time. I would find a reasonable way to cover the slack.
My rationale would be this: First, I would look into a good life insurance policy. Insurance is a good start but it is not the whole solution. Second, if we don't already have a good method of saving some of our income, we are setting that up right after the honeymoon. Third, tradegy can happen at any time. I've heard some horror stories that I didn't even think could happen. If disaster should strike me, I need assurance that you can pinch hit, if necessary.
Ultimately, I would be more concerned if you see an imaginary $ attached to my forehead than knowing the pulse of my character. I do not let money control me, never have and never will, and I certainly wouldn't want someone in my life long term that doesn't agree with me on this deal breaker. You can only do three things with money: earn it, spend it and save it. My real concern would be how do you earn money, how do you spend it and how do you save it? Your actions on those behaviors would tell me all that I need to know.
19 comments:
So me and my girl are having this convo. Both of us are in thriving careers..But the big question as we move forward are kids and how can we raise them effectively but w/o sacrificing financially for the bost of us.
She is in the position where she can set her own schedule where she works a few days a month and can still make more than me...which is no prob for me because I dont make small change.
It is important to set realistic goals in terms of finances and what you are finding in a potential mate.
personally, I can't deal with a woman who's all about money. In this field especially, because unless you have the e-word in your title or you're one of the better known and seen figures in our field, the dough doesn't roll in per se, and there's nothing worse in my opinion than a goldigger.
Well up until recently, any guy that I've had a serious relationship with, I've made more money than. So I guess I've never cared too much for money. I do care for love, however.
That said, even if I marry someone who makes an obscene amount of money, I can't really see myself not ever working. It's not in me. I love what I do and so much of what I do defines me, so it'd be really hard to give that up.
I'm more concerned with ambition in a guy. Having a lack of it is a greater offense than someone who makes less money but is working hard. Plus, what if he's in a career based off of passion? I certainly am. I make really good money, but I never expected to when I first got into this business. I thought being a writer meant living in a studio, but I picked it because I knew it'd be a career that I wouldn't dread going to everyday and because I LOVE what I do.
money is important in the sense that you need it to live and i don't want to ever live check to check as an adult. it does play a factor in who i date. i need to know that you can support yourself w/o crying broke. there have definitely been some guys who were talking about their finances as though they were shaky. this is on the first date and i'm like wth??? nah bruh. you need to be doing something to fix that.
i also want to be in a good position retirement-wise that i don't have to work into my 70s. my aunt and uncle both retired before 60 and are living WELL. i want to make sure whoever i'm with is working toward that same goal.
i'm more focused on taking care of myself, so i ain't pressed about him having enough money to take care of me. that's aiight for other folk who want that kind of thing...just ain't my thing.
however, the question is, how many guys out there are cool with a sista making more than him? i mean, REALLY cool with it, not just saying that ish for pc sake. folk tend to equate money with power, ergo more money in the relationship begats more power. that's how it has played out for me in the past, anyway.
@gregory...it is good that you are talking about it now. It shows the willingness on both sides to make a situation work. I most definitely agree with your last sentence.
@chris...Yeah. I can't even deal with dudes that obsess with money so my threshold for a woman that obsess with it would be much, much lower.
@kelley...question. How soon do you reveal or find out that you make more money than him? Yes. Love and character mean so much more for me. I couldn't see you not working either...lol.
@jameil1922...What would lead to a guy telling you he's broke on the first date? That must be a blog entry that I missed or one that I would love to see. I definitely want to retire early too.
@nikki...If we are talking about my wife, I have absolutely no problem with it. Once we are married, THE income is OUR income. The fact is some professions pay much better than others and who am I to begrudge her if she's making bank. As long as I'm comfortable with what I'm making, I'm straight. So, it doesn't matter to me who makes more as long as everything is handled.
Now, if we are talking about a girlfriend that's up for debate. I wouldn't get into a financial discussion with a woman that I DIDN'T see a future with. It would be pointless. Now, if we both agree we have a future together then we can talk about it like reasonable adults. If she's not going to trip about it and bring it up like every two minutes that she makes more money than me, I am cool. If she is like that, I don't think she's the one for me. I just don't equate money to success and power at a high concentration that most other people in society do.
i'm a good listener and i ask lots of questions so people always share tmi. i had one dude check his bank account during the date. what??? another looked real nervous when i ordered something other than an appetizer. i quickly showed my version of i ain't interested by asking for separate checks. he relaxed instantly. wow... i ordered an $11 dish. there was another instance but i can't remember it right now.
I'm more concerned about our values, whether we have the same goals and ambitions. I'm one for a plan. Even before committing, marriage et cetera, we'd have to have a plan.
Having said that ideally the plan would include both of us contributing for our security, and our own mutual benefit.
Commited relationships are about partnering and working towards stability, mutual dependence, and security.
If we ever need to rethink the plan, we rethink the plan.
I wouldn't mind a woman making more than me, but we'd both provide for each and our family.
My pursuit would always be contentment and our shared happiness.
How much does a man being able to financially provide for you play into your selection of him as a long term partner?
I've mostly dated men that either didn't have a job or I made more money than them, so I don't really think about it. And I figured, with the field I'm in, it may not be completely fair, but, if you get to a certain point, you can live very, very comfortably. So if I don't happen to marry a wealthy man, I plan to get to that point.
I'm not obsessed with money, but I never want to worry about what bills I'm going to pay first. I'm finally in a position now where I don't have to worry about that. But I'm still working on saving.
And in the last couple of years, I've been really attracted to men that are responsible. Not just financially, but having a job or at the time, going to class on a regular basis.
But it wouldn't hurt, not to have to work. I always joked that I wanted to be like Whitley Gilbert and was going to college to find my husband, but I went b/c I knew I wouldn't marry a wealthy man. I may not work in my field, but I'd probably do a lot of charity work.
@jameil1922...checked his bank account while on the date? lmao. Did he say he's balance out loud too? LMAO even harder at looking nervous when you order something more than appetizer? Wow. My rule is that I usually don't ask someone out that I don't think I can afford.
@cnel...amen...amen...amen to having a plan and being flexible to make changes, if necessary. That's a blueprint for success.
@journiemajor...fair point of view.
This was a great post so I thought I'd just leave a comment.
This topic has come up in conversation before during a serious relationship I was involved in. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and worrying about how bills were going to get paid. Nor did I want my partner feeling like he HAD to have BIll Gates money or be working toward it by the time we got married, in order to satisfy me.
In this career, you aren't going to see the big bucks right away, and I do believe you can get to a point where you are comfortable and content in your salary. I never wanted to be filthy rich nor expect my partner to be, but it is important to know that you share the same values when it comes to planning, saving and spending.
And it is also important to set realistic goals in a relationship and to discuss them and really be on the same page. I think me ex thought that I couldnt be with him if he wasn't going to be making six figures and that was totally not the case. Saving has not always been easy for me, but I've gotten better with budgeting and if you both aren't where you want to be financially, the nat least be working towards it.
Me, I don't want a man to say, "Baby I don't want you to work." Yes it would be nice, but have no problem contributing to the household. It's not so much can he take care of me, I can take care of myself, but when you come into relationship and the topic of money comes up, its moreso okay, how can we take care of each other, how can we help each other, how can we provide for our home and family as a team? Maybe he's good at saving and she's not, so you help each other.
As long as he's ambitious, responsible, loving and we can communicate..discussing money and other issues shouldnt be a problem.
@anonymous...It sounds like there was a lot of confusion in that relationship. Did you ever smooth that out?
Great question! I dont have an issue being with a man who makes less than me and in some cases I have been with a man who was completely in the red financially. I think it has to do with maturity and the kind of person one is dealing with. I have never been terribly materialistic so it is a non issue with me for the most part.
Nikki made an interesting point about the correlation between money and power. I have a male friend who was in dire straits financially who actually said to me that because I was the one paying the bills for the time that I had all the power. I was kind of taken aback by the assertion but I know now that there must be a lot of truth to his belief.
This was a perfect post.
I met my husband in highschool. He was making minimum wage at the time. I KNEW he was my soulmate because he would always sit there and scratch his chin while I yapped for 30 minutes too:)
Just kidding! Great post. Love the comments on this too!!!!
@femigog...welcome and please come back often. O.K. Now, that was a very interesting comment from your male friend. I don't think I would ever say that but I'm all for standing strong on what you believe...as long as it is a reasonable point of view.
@tanyetta...welcome and glad you've enjoyed your first visit. Please make it a habit. (Smile).
No, unfortunatley we never did smooth things out and it's been bothering me ever since. But life goes on. At the time, I had some more growing up to do, some more things to think about, etc. But he's moved on now, so no biggie. HOlla!
@anonymous...
"No, unfortunatley we never did smooth things out and it's been bothering me ever since."
Well, that's truly sad to hear. If something is bothering me, I'm going to do something about it. But, we're all different and we all approach situations differently.
I feel you on that, and most of the time when I'm bothered, I work it out. But at this point, I think I should just leave things alone with trying to smooth anything out. It is what it is. Yup, people are different. HOlla!
@anonymous...
Cool.
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