Best Supporting Actor?

I should at the very least get a nomination…but before I continue with this post.

Disclaimer: The subject is very taboo. My description, while humorous, teeters on the boundary of Rated-R and Rated-NC17. If you are at work, WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME to read this. If you have children under 17 nearby KICK THEM OUT OF THE ROOM and lock the door. Now, you can’t say you were not warned.

The scene is the Regal Union Square Stadium 14 movie theater on Sunday, Nov. 2. My date and I caught the 6:40 p.m. showing of the Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe movie “Body of Lies”. Neither of us had heard of the movie and I picked it on a whim because the two movies that we wanted to see “The Family That Preys” and “Lakeview Terrace” were no longer showing. So as we get on the escalator to the third floor, we each have no idea what is waiting for us in Theater 10.

We get into Theater 10 and it is practically a full house (that’s a good sign that I picked a good move) and I asked my date to pick a place to sit. She couldn’t decide so I picked a spot in the top row on the left side near a young black couple. Actually the whole row consisted of black people. The young couple was seated to my left. My date was seated to my right and the three seats next to my date were occupied by a black family (father, mother and son).

The movie gets underway and everyone is enjoying the movie. My date is snuggling close to me. Out of the corner of my right eye, I notice the parents doing the same thing. Out of the corner of my left eye, the young couple are also doing the same thing. Everybody is happy.

Midway through the movie, I hear some movement from the young couple to my left but
I don’t turn my head because I’m focused on the movie. My peripheral vision notices that the woman puts the arm rest up and lays her head down in his lap. I’m thinking she’s probably tired and wants to lie down. I’m saying to myself that’s great but I wish they would be less noisy. So about 10 minutes later, I notice that the young woman’s head keeps bobbing up and down in a slow and deliberate manner. So, she’s falling asleep sitting up now? Not exactly. I notice that he slouches more in his seat.

No. Stop. Wait a frigging minute. It can’t be. Not in a crowded movie theater. No fu$king way.

Yessir.

Homegirl is swabbing his knob in theater 10 in the top row in the left corner. She couldn’t be doing a good job because she kept stopping when she heard a funny line from the movie and almost choked when she started laughing. He then proceeded to shove her head back down there each time she did that. I’m shaking my head each time this occurs and I’m doing my absolute best to keep a straight face and not burst out laughing.

At this point, I lean over and whisper to my date what I’ve concluded and she nearly let out a big laugh (as she peeks over my shoulder and confirms what I feared) during a quiet moment of the movie. I put my finger over my lips to let her know to not make a scene because truthfully there wasn’t two empty seats next to each other in the theater. So, we couldn’t just move to give them more (clears throat) privacy. So, we decided to stay in our seats and not even acknowledge them any more because we were getting to the climax of the movie. As soon as the movie credits start rolling, we bolt out of the theater laughing up a storm at what we witnessed in a crowded movie theater. I’m glad it didn’t ruin a fabulous date but the situation had me thinking.

Did the young couple not know the protocol to such scandalous movie theater behavior?

Probably not or they just didn’t care or probably took liberties that everyone in their row was black and we wouldn’t blow their cover.

Seriously, if you’re going to get freaky-deaky at the movie theater…YOU DON’T and I repeat…PICK A 6:40 p.m. showing with a capacity crowd to display your SuperHead skills. You pick a late showing…probably 11 p.m. or later…to do that nonsense or you just wait till you get home.

So, I hope homeboy was satisfied with that sloppy blow job because I came ever so close to asking him for $24 (the cost of the movie tickets) for being extras in his terrible movie theater porno.