I Can Do Bad All By Myself

According to an eyewitness, a young Hispanic male took this phrase to heart when he smashed my front passenger side window to steal my sunglasses and my Garmin GPS.

It was Sunday, Oct. 4 and I was at the AMC Loews Jersey Gardens movie theater. I was on date and we went to see the 6:25 showing of coincidentally Tyler Perry's "I Can Do Bad All By Myself." It was a great movie. It was an even better date. Everything was going great till we walked out of the movie theater at 8:30 p.m. to find broken glass next to my car. I had accidentally left my GPS on my windshield (I usually take it down and hide it) and I had accidentally left my sunglasses on my front passenger side seat (I usually hide it as well).
The GPS was a gift. The sunglasses were $10. So, the actual monetary net loss was only $10 but the inconvenience was priceless.

The mall security guard drove up next to me once he realized I was the owner of the damaged car. He told me the eyewitness, an older black man, saw a young Hispanic male lurking around my car. When the eyewitness went into the movie theater to go watch his own movie around 7:30 p.m. that's apparently when the young Hispanic male smashed my window, grabbed the stuff and sprinted like he stole something towards a NJ transit bus. Apparently, the mall security guard had a guy that fit the description on the movie theater's cameras running towards the bus stop. But it didn't look suspicious at the time until mall security later found my damaged car. By then, the culprit was long gone.

I had already had a shitty week. The theft started this week on an even shittier note. At that moment, I needed a DRINK, a HUG and I also needed the FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST to save me from kicking someone's ass. I asked the mall security guard to get one of his co-workers to drive my date to her car which was on the other side of the mall. Meanwhile, the mall security guard took my information down to file his report. He then called the Elizabeth police department so they could do a report too. Now, I had thought my date was on her way home but she surprised me when she drove back over to my car and said she was staying till I cleared everything up. Wow. That brought a temporary smile to my face.

As soon as I cracked the smile, surprisingly, the Elizabeth police rolled up. It had been 10 minutes or less since the mall security called then. I will give the Elizabeth police some credit for a great response time. I actually didn't think they were even going to come. They took some information down and said a police report would be available in a couple days. I thanked them for coming and thanked the mall security guard for his help. The Elizabeth police and the mall security guard left after that, so all that was left was my date and I standing in the chilly Autumn night.

I told her to put on a coat and then we sat in her car while I spoke to my insurance company, Geico. The Geico representative told me it would be a $500 deductible, if I filed a claim. I was like no thanks. I was set on getting it fixed myself at that point but Geico said they would refer me to an auto glass specialist, which turned out to be Safelite Auto Glass. The Safelite representative told me it would be $225. When I scoffed at that price, the Safelite representative said he could cut me a deal at $195 and they would come to my apartment and fix it there. He almost had me on the hook until he blew it by trying to sell me wiper blades for $25. My date watched me as I shook my head, pulled my mobile phone away from my ear and gave it the GTHOHWTB (Get the hell out of here with that bullshit) expression. She laughed. I sighed and told the Safelite representative no thanks. At that moment, I needed another DRINK, another HUG and I also needed the FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST to save me from kicking someone's ass.

By now, it is 9:30 p.m. and I had to make a decision because I didn't want to keep my date out any longer. Before I could open my mouth to say something, she gave me the signal to let her talk first. She offered to help me clean out my car and also direct me to a gas station (using her GPS) to vacuum out the loose pieces. She got out her car and grabbed a trash bag. I got out her car and opened my trunk for my snow brush. I brushed the glass off my seat onto my floor mat. I then took the floor mat and dumped the contents into the bag she was holding. We then drove to the nearest gas station and since I didn't have any change on me, she gave me four quarters so I could vacuum my car out. She held the flashlight over my shoulder so I didn't miss a spot. It took only five minutes to vacuum my car. I gave her a hug and told her to direct me back to the NJ Turnpike and I would be fine. No sooner than I started my car to follow her out of the gas station in Elizabeth, N.J. , a female crackhead came up to my car begging me for $$$. I angrily shouted that someone broke my "f--king passenger side window and that I had no money to give her." At that moment, I needed yet another DRINK, yet another HUG and I also needed the FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST to save me from kicking someone's ass.

I hit the accelerator, pulled out of the gas station and caught up with my date in near world-record time. I wanted to get the hell out of Elizabeth, N.J. as fast as possible. We spoke on the phone for the 5 minute drive to the NJ Turnpike. I joked that "she would probably never go out with me again." She corrected me fast and said of course not. She said she "had a wonderful time on the date and didn't want me to think she was bad luck." We both laughed at that. We're currently setting up date No. 2.

Needless to say, I will NEVER go back to the AMC Loews Jersey Gardens movie theater. I will eventually replace my Garmin GPS (retail value $120) and the sunglasses (retail value $10). I had my car window replaced by a local auto glass company for only $140. If you haven't seen Tyler Perry's "I Can Do Bad All by Myself". Go see it. My date and I agreed it was his best movie.